This last weekend I behaved very poorly. In sort of a culmination of pride and acedia, I both mocked some people I disagree with, calling them fools..
And then sneered at people who often quote scripture chapter and verse in their writing.
They usually annoy, even anger me sometimes, you see.
Because you know, I am above such credulous tasteless crudities as quoting scripture, I guess. Too cool for that sort of thing. Way too cool.
[But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,' is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. (Matthew 5:24) ]
Anyway..
We went out Saturday, and there were shenanigans. I behaved like a fool, and ended up having a very "interesting" night. One that I will not describe in any detail here, and mention it only to say that at some point before dawn on Sunday I realized that not only had I missed the vigil, but that I was probably going to miss mass that weekend altogether.
Which I then did.
With the sabbath dawn, knowing that I would not be at mass, I had an irrational moment of terror where I was sure that I was doomed. The rapture had occurred, and I was a fool who had been left behind.
Not a pleasant sensation, let me tell you. A moment of repentance, you could say.
Later, after my head and heart were cleared, I realized that even if I do not believe that the modern eschatology that anticipates the "rapture" makes any sense, that I should not be making snarky fun of people who do believe it. Indeed, if I were wise at all, it should be my fervent hope that if such an event occurs, that I should be included in it. Apart from that, I should mostly not say anything at all about it, really. There are other things, such as the state of my own soul and conscience that are far more worthy my attention and concern.
I mean, I believe that the second coming will be just as unexpected as the first, and that he will upend our expectations in such a way that everyone will be surprised. He is always doing things we do not understand, after all. The end will be no different. Still, I am now resolved to generally keep my mouth shut on that point.
On the ride home, I spent much of the way thinking about all of this and examining my conscience.
(I'm sort of an aficionado of examenes by the way, and just found one that I really like, here. It's pretty staunch, and I used it today. )
This morning I went to see Father Micheal at the rectory, and interrupted him at breakfast. He left his meal to hear my confession. I am trying to keep my confessions short lately, to simply recite the things my conscience accuses me of, without any explanation or excuse. Just the sins, the number of times I've committed them if that's applicable, and maybe mention of the names of people I have hurt. It should take five minutes or less, even being a jackass like I am. When the priest speaks, I have resolved to keep my mouth mostly shut and suppress the impulse to start a discussion, unless he asks me a question. This I find harder to do, but I am making progress there. It usually takes only ten or fifteen minutes these days to get absolution.
This morning, Father was blunt. I like this. No great discourse on how much God loves me. I know that the Master loves me. That knowledge encourages my presumption and laxity. What I need is to be kicked in the ass honestly, and disciplined.
So, Father Micheal was not impressed by me, and I was glad. Because I am not impressive. He looked very stern, and said "we make it very easy for you to get to mass here, you know (I didn't tell him that I was in North Carolina Sunday, but his point still held) and you have absolutely no excuse not to be at the feast."
I nodded, mute.
"Stop being lazy. Do your duty."
Do my duty. Yes.
I think I will. Tonight, I herewith resolve not to be vulgar anymore. I also resolve not to call anyone any names. I ask you, my reader's forgiveness for having done both of these things too often before now.
I also resolve to seek simplicity, and only write what I think may edify. Remember, I am still a fool, only one who hopes to be wise. Your prayers and criticism to this end would be much appreciated.
Tonight, all of you are in mine. Good night my dear readers. Sleep very well.
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